How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
