I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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