you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
