i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
