im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel great
I just peed on a car
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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