my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
