I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
