I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
