my phone needs a breathalizer
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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