Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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