Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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