I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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