Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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