i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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