I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
