i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
