a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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