ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
