I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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