everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
