My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
