I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
