I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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