My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
