So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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