Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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