cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
