I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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