I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
