Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
