I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
