i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
