my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
