I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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