Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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