I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
