hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
