my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
