You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
