____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
