I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
