I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
