Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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