Is it because I queefed?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize