I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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