I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
