someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like eating out sand paper
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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