i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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