T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
