I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
