What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
