The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
