did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You can't motorboat a personality
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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