Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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