no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
