True but thats because hes a fetus.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
