Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
