someone threw a dead crab at me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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