I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
