just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
